Saturday, May 21, 2011

From My Heart....

Today is Jonas' recital day for dance.  I started my day way too early, playing in the dirt planting my vegetable seedlings. This also meant that I had to do some raking and stuff too.  After that was finished, I had a bit of breakfast and relaxed for a bit until it was a decent enough hour for me to mow the lawn.  I got the lawn all cut and then hopped in the shower. Jonas asked me if I would dress "sorta fancy".  He picked out the shirt I was going to wear and then helped me do my hair by blowdrying it a bit.  I even went as far as to put some makeup on.  Let me tell you though, I'm stressed.  I feel fat.  I feel ugly.  I don't want to be "on show" for everyone. I'd rather put on my jeans and tshirt and call it a day.  My tummy sticks out too much, I put a shirt that helps "hide" things under my dress shirt.  I put on dress slacks instead of the Jonas' approved jeans, because the shirt is too dressy for normal jeans and the black jeans are too tight.  I feel like a stuffed, depressed, angry sausage.

Angry, why I am angry?  Good question, one I don't have a full answer to. I listen to the prayer requests at work for our donors who ask for prayer and for co-workers who are asking for prayer and I think, "Man... my problems are insignificant compared to everyone elses.  I should just shut up and move on."  But you know what?  My problems are not insignificant in my life.  I'm unhappy.  I feel lost.  I keep moving and keep doing what I'm supposed to do, but I've lost myself somewhere along the way. I have no direction in my life.  I gave up on me when depression reentered my life.  At first, it wasn't me who was depressed, but over the past year, I've just gotten emotionally drained.  I feel like I am faking half of my emotions, when all I really want to do is cry. To curl up into a ball and cry my tears, washing everything away.

But I can't.  I must be strong.  I must go to work every day, earning money so I can have this beautiful house.  I must come home and feed everyone, do chores and then crash in bed, only to get up and do it all over again.  Weekends?  Yeah, sometimes I relax.  Most of the time I get the chores done that I couldn't get to during the week because I was exhausted.

I look at how far I've come and I should be proud of my accomplishments.  I've lost weight.  I've gained strength.  I got my college degree while working full time and being a single mother. I have a wonderful amazing child, who without, my days would be completely grey. Yet, I can't see those accomplishments sometimes without just flat out stating them.  I forget them and focus on all of the negative things going on.

I want a change.

I want to know what direction I want my life to go.  I want to stop feeling like a fat, ugly, unworthy person.  I want to stop being angry and start laughing again... really laughing. I want so much and I want it for me.  Is that bad?


Sarah Kopf said...

You just broke my heart... Please don't feel insignificant, because you are really NOT! You are strong and capable and you deserve a day to just get it all out and feel crummy if it helps you. The important part is eventually breaking out of that funk... But for now, it's okay...

I am sending you BIG HUGS! Chin up! YOU ARE AWESOME!


♥ Trisha ♥ said...


Thank you so much for your words and hugs. They mean so much to me.

I'm much better now. I think I just needed to vent all over the place. :)

HUGS back atcha girl!