Today is Jonas' recital day for dance. I started my day way too early, playing in the dirt planting my vegetable seedlings. This also meant that I had to do some raking and stuff too. After that was finished, I had a bit of breakfast and relaxed for a bit until it was a decent enough hour for me to mow the lawn. I got the lawn all cut and then hopped in the shower. Jonas asked me if I would dress "sorta fancy". He picked out the shirt I was going to wear and then helped me do my hair by blowdrying it a bit. I even went as far as to put some makeup on. Let me tell you though, I'm stressed. I feel fat. I feel ugly. I don't want to be "on show" for everyone. I'd rather put on my jeans and tshirt and call it a day. My tummy sticks out too much, I put a shirt that helps "hide" things under my dress shirt. I put on dress slacks instead of the Jonas' approved jeans, because the shirt is too dressy for normal jeans and the black jeans are too tight. I feel like a stuffed, depressed, angry sausage.
Angry, why I am angry? Good question, one I don't have a full answer to. I listen to the prayer requests at work for our donors who ask for prayer and for co-workers who are asking for prayer and I think, "Man... my problems are insignificant compared to everyone elses. I should just shut up and move on." But you know what? My problems are not insignificant in my life. I'm unhappy. I feel lost. I keep moving and keep doing what I'm supposed to do, but I've lost myself somewhere along the way. I have no direction in my life. I gave up on me when depression reentered my life. At first, it wasn't me who was depressed, but over the past year, I've just gotten emotionally drained. I feel like I am faking half of my emotions, when all I really want to do is cry. To curl up into a ball and cry my tears, washing everything away.
But I can't. I must be strong. I must go to work every day, earning money so I can have this beautiful house. I must come home and feed everyone, do chores and then crash in bed, only to get up and do it all over again. Weekends? Yeah, sometimes I relax. Most of the time I get the chores done that I couldn't get to during the week because I was exhausted.
I look at how far I've come and I should be proud of my accomplishments. I've lost weight. I've gained strength. I got my college degree while working full time and being a single mother. I have a wonderful amazing child, who without, my days would be completely grey. Yet, I can't see those accomplishments sometimes without just flat out stating them. I forget them and focus on all of the negative things going on.
I want a change.
I want to know what direction I want my life to go. I want to stop feeling like a fat, ugly, unworthy person. I want to stop being angry and start laughing again... really laughing. I want so much and I want it for me. Is that bad?