I've been going through an emotional year, not just 2011, but the past twelve months. To cope, I've thrown myself into workout out, being anal about my food or at times, throwing in the towel. A friend once asked me, how do I have so much dedication to workout out and eating healthy? My response? It's the only thing in my life I have control over anymore. It helps keep me from going insane.
However, I go to extremes. I throw myself in 100% or I fall out 100%. There is no half-way for me. This is why, once I finish a program, I'm lost and need to re-find myself.
The Rebel Strength Guide has been a blessing for me. Not only the workouts and eating programs, but the community of people in the forums. It's funny how a mixed forum of people trying to lose weight with people who are trying to gain weight makes me feel right at home. Sure, I don't understand 100% the need to gain weight, but reading their stories, I understand their reasons.
On the personal front, my life is in an upheaval. Instead of dealing with it, I let it build up until I am ready to burst and with I had a punching bag to take out my anger on. Is it really anger, or is it me fighting off the depression that I feel washing? I can't tell.
I'm a strong woman. My shrink told me that once. I can handle a lot. However, there is one thing I can't. That is willingly hurting another person. The thought, that doing just that is what will free me from the chaos, makes me want to be sick and brings tears to my eyes. Yet, that is what my friends tell me I need to do. Somedays, I wish I had the strength for it. Somedays, I'm glad I don't. I don't have the right answers, I have to lean on the people around me to help me logically think about it. They all have the same answer, but how do I get past my inability to harm another in order to do what they think I should? This, I don't know. I wish I did.
I know this post is disjointed, but I needed to write it. I needed to put my feelings out there. I'm disabling comments for this post. If you want to comment, please do so personally by sending me an email at: citabean at gmail dot com.
