Friday, February 18, 2011

A confession

I have a confession to make. I have no confidence in myself nor do I deeply believe I deserve to do things for me. Yesterday, I was delivered with a huge dose of tough love. In talking about how I have moments of success in this journey, I believe I can do it, I believe I am succeeding... and then something happens, doesn't matter what that something is as it varies, but the thing that matters is that something puts something in my mind that tells me I am not worth taking the time for myself to improve myself. At that point I enter a depressive, self deprecating cycle. I eat to make myself feel better, I either feel gross because of the food I'm eating, or gain weight. I feel worse about myself, I eat to make myself feel better... You can see how this can ruin me.

How was I successful for almost a year? Eating properly, exercising regularly? Surely, I had times where I felt an inkling of this? What did I do to stop this cycle from happening? Why can't I go a few days anymore?

So my friend who delivered the tough love yesterday? She said that I may not feel that I deserve this, but I do. That I just need to keep doing what I know I need to be doing, because I do deserve this. I deserve the happiness and everything else that will come with staying on this healthy journey.

My question, that I'm trying to get answered in my head... How do I fight it when everything in me says no?

Make appointments with myself for working out?  Actually join a gym outside of work and get some personal training sessions so that the threat of me wasting money by not going, forces me to go? What about eating? When I have times where I want to binge and eat everything in the house? How do I stop it?

Any of the few of you that read this have any suggestions?


Ann said...

Hey lady, we have each felt this way one time or another. I remember saying to a friend, "it's like I'm building a car, and I have all the pieces, the doors, windows, pedals, everything - EXCEPT THE ENGINE. meaning, I had no drove or desire to move forward. It was then that I realized that only I can push myself. Only I can control what I do, and what I eat, and who I am. I started setting goals and asking friends and family for support and accountability. I left myself reminder notes and developed a plan for getting to those goals. I surrounded myself with friends and family who had the same goals to live a healthy and active lifestyle. I read blogs and found supportive people online!!

Moreover, I decided to DO and then I just DID. :) You can do it, too. I promise.

Project180 said...

The things that really help keep me motivated are my gym membership, my blog and surrounding myself in all things weight loss.

Because I pay for my gym membership I feel more of a need to use it daily. Otherwise I am just throwing money away. On nights when I feel the urge to not go, I just remained myself of this and it usually helps gets me going. Sometimes I also have to remind myself that something is better than nothing, meaning you don’t have to kill yourself every night. There have been many nights when I have compromises with myself – telling myself that I was just going do like 10 minutes of cardio then once I got to the gym something clicked and I knocked out a full routine. For me it seems that first step is the hardest but once I get past the mental block and get going, I’m fine.

My Blog is a huge tool. My goal is to log all meals and exercise everyday as a way of holding myself accountable. Now that I have a few regular eyes watching it, I find that it pushes me to stay on track. It might sound silly, but I don’t like to fail and really don’t want others to see me fail. How does this help? For instance, as I wonder around the kitchen thinking about some food, I actually find myself contemplating “do you really want to put that on your blog?” Oddly enough it makes me stop for a second and think about what I am doing just long enough to guilt me into making a better decision. Sure, I could simply eat it and not log it but I want to be open and honest. I know that if I do fall or struggle there are going to be good folks there to offer a kind word and support.

These days I am constantly reading weight loss blogs, watching TV shows about losing weight and participating in some of the online weight loss discussions. I find it helps keep me focused as well as motivated. It’s funny how even the littlest success story that someone else has will trigger me to want to do more. I think of it like a fighter or athlete getting psyched up for the next big contest. By immersing myself in weight loss minded material I am psyching myself up for the task at hand.
We all have different motivators and it might take you a little trial and error to find what works best for you. Just don’t give into the dark side. You have done so well in the past and you are certainly worth the effort. We all are!!! Hopefully something in all this rambling helps.

Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit said...

It never gets easy, but it does get easier. If it didn't, I don't think any of us could do it for the long haul.

Hang in there.

E said...

i think you're doing great so far! we all have phases where we lose sight of what is important. i'm grateful you have friends that love you and remind you how beautiful you are and how much you are worth to God. i know sometimes it's hard to believe that.
as for what to do when you feel the pressure to eat, maybe you could surround yourself with healthy food so when you want to binge you can only binge on apples or spinach? I know the times i eat too much is when i have pizza or tacos in the house. if all i have to binge on is healthy stuff, i just give up..