Did you ever have an emotional eating time where the first couple of bites you thought, "Oh, WOW! This tastes SO good!" only to think at the end, "Ugh, this doesn't really taste all that great anymore."? I had one of those times yesterday. Afterwords I kept thinking, "Why did I keep going if it didn't taste as good?" I couldn't answer myself, other than the act of eating was filling a void somewhere within.
I'm not hiding anymore. Yesterday I had a complete and utter melt down. I was complimented at work for looking good. Yet, in my mind I knew, "No you don't. You were stupid and you gained 20 pounds since your 5k. You aren't strong enough to keep yourself accountable to yourself." I mentally beat myself up until I broke when I got home.
That's not what matters, what matters is, I finally realized what has been going on in my mind. I hate that it builds up and I can't feel what is going on until I have this melt down and mental break through. Knowing however, what I was feeling helps me arm myself. I know I can do it, I know I am strong enough. Look how far I've come. I need to learn how to accept compliments. Not only just to be polite and say "Thank You" but to accept them and take them to heart.
Today has been a really good day. I had breakfast at home, or really in the car, but still, I didn't eat breakfast at my desk. For some reason, making sure I eat at home helps set my tone for the day at work. I also think becoming more aware of what I'm feeling helps me keep my reigns on myself.
I also got to work on time and was able to go workout. I felt SO much better after finishing my workout. I feel energized for the rest of my day. I missed this feeling. I hope I can remember what it feels like and keep feeling it, every day.
One day at a time. This is not a sprint, it's not going to all happen overnight.
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