A confession

I have a confession to make. I have no confidence in myself nor do I deeply believe I deserve to do things for me. Yesterday, I was delivered with a huge dose of tough love. In talking about how I have moments of success in this journey, I believe I can do it, I believe I am succeeding... and then something happens, doesn't matter what that something is as it varies, but the thing that matters is that something puts something in my mind that tells me I am not worth taking the time for myself to improve myself. At that point I enter a depressive, self deprecating cycle. I eat to make myself feel better, I either feel gross because of the food I'm eating, or gain weight. I feel worse about myself, I eat to make myself feel better... You can see how this can ruin me.

How was I successful for almost a year? Eating properly, exercising regularly? Surely, I had times where I felt an inkling of this? What did I do to stop this cycle from happening? Why can't I go a few days anymore?

So my friend who delivered the tough love yesterday? She said that I may not feel that I deserve this, but I do. That I just need to keep doing what I know I need to be doing, because I do deserve this. I deserve the happiness and everything else that will come with staying on this healthy journey.

My question, that I'm trying to get answered in my head... How do I fight it when everything in me says no?

Make appointments with myself for working out?  Actually join a gym outside of work and get some personal training sessions so that the threat of me wasting money by not going, forces me to go? What about eating? When I have times where I want to binge and eat everything in the house? How do I stop it?

Any of the few of you that read this have any suggestions?

Eating Too Little?

Am I eating enough? Am I eating too much?  This is something I am always asking myself. I've also done a lot of research on the subject, specifically reading about the BMR (Basal Metabolic Rate) and how many calories my body would need if I were in a coma. That number, for me at this point in time is right around 2000 calories. To maintain my current weight, I need to eat roughly 3800 calories, with no exercise. If I exercise, that number goes up.

What do these numbers mean?  They mean, my body needs 2000 calories to function at my current weight. I shouldn't really eat below 2000 calories, otherwise, my metabolism can slow down and go into a "starvation" mode of thinking.  That mode, will cause me to have days where I feel like I am famished and want to eat everything. 

I felt that way yesterday. Around 2pm I wanted food.  I had eaten lunch about two hours before that.  A pretty decent sized lunch, too.  So, I took out my food journal and figured out my net calories (calories in vs. out for exercise) for the past 5 days; 1706, 876, 1185, 1167, 582... Anyone can tell, those numbers are WAY too low for my body to function. When I realized this, I ate some almond butter on my celery and had a bit of pasta. I felt tons better.

It also lead me to rethink what I'm doing, eating wise, and what I needed to do, so I don't go through that cycle again. The goal?  Eating right at 2000 calories and taking a deeper look into how I'm feeling - both hunger and mood. I know I don't want to starve myself to do quick weight loss.  I want lasting weight loss. I didn't gain this extra weight overnight. I am realistic that I won't lose it overnight.

Small Victory

That temptation I had earlier? Dealt with!

Around mid-afternoon I saw the cookies. I wanted the cookies. I told myself, I didn't need the cookies. This cycle went on for an hour or so until, fed up I grabbed all of the boxes and promptly handed them to my boss and coworker and told them to enjoy.

After that, I returned to my desk, elated that I handled the temptation.

Temptations!

So, what happens when you're an emotional eater, stressed and someone has Girl Scout cookie order forms in the kitchen at work? You order them.

And when things are right, you're eating good, exercising... and suddenly, they are delivered?  You're faced with this:

Now, I just need to figure out what to do with these. For the most of them, 2 cookies is 120 calories. Not a great use of my calories.  However, treats every now and then are OK, so do I keep them?  Do I find someone to give them to?

Right now, they're up on the shelf above my desk, as best out of sight as I could put them.

Now that I wrote about my dilemma, I can forget about them... right?

It's Friday!

It's Friday!  Hooray!!

This morning started off with a Kettlebell workout, thanks to my new Kettlebell and Bob Harper workout DVD. Since I'm working from home today, I figured I'd get up at normal time, just do a workout before I got everyone else up and ready. It was a great way to start my day.  Maybe a 10 minute workout on days I head into the office wouldn't be a bad idea!

I had my followup with the orthopedic surgeon today. Basically? Go slow back into things, if it hurts, stop, wear brace on knee and keep moving slowly. If it gets unbearable, make another appointment and we'll go the MRI route. So, I'm free to start running again if I want. I'm not sure if I will or not yet.

Which leads me to my recent discovery activities.  Yeah, I've lost 140ish pounds. Yeah, like most people, I still struggle at times.  Recently, it's been a bigger struggle. Things are still stressful. I bought myself a guided healthy living journal. It not only includes places for me to record what I eat and exercise, but also guides me with questions on why I do things the way I do, how I am going to reach my goals and thinking positively about things. It guides you into how many portions of which foods you should eat and how you should split them across your meals and snacks. It's a 21 day guided journey. I'm on day 2! :)

My goals for this journey? Eat healthy lunches at work (bringing my lunch), Exercise at least 30 minutes a day (can be split up), eat dinner at home at least 5 days a week and lose 10 pounds in the 21 days.


I can do this, I know I can.

My breakfast experiment is going well. Today I even tried microwaved eggs, ala Hungry Girl breakfast in a mug. It was pretty tasty!  2 egg whites, 1 egg, 1oz ham, 1 T green onion, 1 wedge laughing cow cheese and 1t of dijon mustard. YUM!

Tomorrow is the last day for egg based/high protein breakfasts. This weekend I'll make up a big batch of oats and see how the higher carb breakfast goes. The protein breakfasts have been keeping me full to the point where I look at the clock and think, "Hmm, I should eat a snack now, it's been 4 hours since breakfast." Almost makes me think I should skip the higher carb part of the experiment and just go with the protein, but then it wouldn't be a full experiment! :) However, if through next week I notice I get hungry sooner, I will only do one week of the carb part.

I shall keep pressing on! Will you? :)

Breakfast Challenge Update

I've had a lot of eggs this week so far! :) I usually mix 2 eggs and 2 egg whites for my "dish" This week's egg dish hasn't varied over much:

2 eggs
2 egg whites
2 oz ham
1/4 cup diced onion
1/4 cup diced green pepper
1 wedge laughing cow cheese
1 T ketchup

And fruit in the form of apples or grapes.

Roughly: 375 calories, 30g protein, 27g carbs for each.

Today, I had a piece of homemade bread (toasted) and homemade blackberry jam (without sugar) that I made yesterday.

How has the hunger been? It varied. This week, due to large amounts of snow, I have been home since Tuesday afternoon. The temptation of food in the house has been larger than temptation of food I bring at work.

Monday and Tuesday, I had breakfast around 6 and wasn't hungry until around 10 (and even then, it wasn't overly hungry) when I'd have a snack.

Since I've been home, breakfast has been a bit later (yay sleeping in?) and has been around 8:30. The odd thing? I felt hungry by 11. I'm not sure if it was me, seeing the clock and thinking that's past when I normally have a snack, or if I was actually hungry. Anyway, I had a small snack around then, I didn't feel I needed anything big.

After that? Lunch hunger usually wasn't intense. It was more, Yep, it's lunch time, let's have a bite to eat. As per normal, my hungry snacking time is around 3. I noticed yesterday, it's also the time I get sleepy. I think the snacking and sleepyness go hand in hand.

Ways I can battle the urge to eat everything in sight? Popcorn is excellent for me in this area. I can make a filling snack that takes a while to eat (in other words, takes enough time my brain gets over itself). The issue I have with this is at work, our microwave sucks for microwaved popcorn so I need to remember to pack a popped bag of popcorn in the morning. Which is cool, because then I can air pop it!

Overall, the higher protein breakfast seems to be filling me up well into lunchtime.  One more week of higher protein then a switch to the oatmeals to see how that does.

Something else I'm curious about... protein in oatmeal? If it works out that I work better with the higher protein, and oatmeal has heart healthy benefits, should I consider making a protein packed oatmeal? Or maybe, doing my eggs for breakfast and having a serving of oatmeal for my afternoon snack maybe?  Things to think about in the coming weeks :)

Snow Days!

We've had just bit of snow here. Due to that, schools have been canceled, I've been working from home. This creates its own challenges. While at work I can limit what I eat by what I bring. If I want something else, I have to buy it. At home? I can eat whatever is in the house and I have to have a bigger willpower to not do that. I need to find a way to get that bigger willpower :)

Here are a couple of pictures from the snow fun from yesterday and today.

Jonas stands next to one of the drifts in front of the house.

Thanks to neighbors who came to the rescue with a snowblower, our driveway was cleared!

The dogs in their "snow-pen" in the backyard. They don't seem to like the snow too much.

Jonas and I made "snow-cream" Ice cream made with clean snow! It was tasty, just look at his face!

As a side note, shoveling waist high snow is an intense ab workout. Mine are killing me today!