Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Starting Over Again


I hoped I would never see those numbers again. Three years ago when I went below 300 for the first time since sometime during high school, I cried for joy. This morning, I cried tears of pain. 

I let the failure of my relationship recently break me.  It fed the devils in my head that tell me I am not worth it, that I am fat and I just have to learn to live with it.  The devils were kept at bay during the relationship because there was someone there, someone who told me that I was worth it.  Someone who believed in me.  When that was no longer there, when I stopped hearing those things, my mind took over. 

Rationally, I knew none of this was real, I was dreaming up things that weren't there. Thinking thoughts I knew I shouldn't be thinking.  I ignored myself.  I fed my feelings.  I let the autoimmune disease I was diagnosed with and the steroids I had to take be the excuse.  But that's all they were, an excuse.

So now, I need to answer these questions: What am I doing to myself? Why am I doing it?

I truly do not know the full answers to the questions. I know I have given up on myself and I know that it needs to stop. I cannot continue going on this spiral slope. It needs to stop now.

I have the tools, I have the knowledge. Today is the time to kick it into gear. To begin again.

The biggest step to this begin again is not eat right. It is not to workout. Yes those are important steps, but they are not the biggest. The biggest step is the hurdle that is living inside my head. The one that says I need a reason, I need to find my motivation, and asking where I can look. No more. Because that reason, that motivation, that where I'm supposed to look, is all inside of me. It is me. I can't pull my reasons for being healthy from others anymore. I can't look for my motivation from everywhere else, thinking I'm not enough. When in reality, I should be enough. I should be the reason. I am worth spending the time and energy on myself.

I watch Biggest Loser. I don't watch it for the quick weight loss solution. I don't watch it for workout suggestions. I watch it for the mental struggles the contestants battle with themselves. Because, I see myself in so many of them. I cry with them as they figure things out. I then cry more, because I haven't been able to do that yet. I know the steps, but I can't jump the hurdle.

I had pondered joining into my office's Biggest Loser competition, but then I realized, I would be looking elsewhere for that motivation when in reality, I need it to come from me.  So I chose not to join.

My plan for the next eight weeks is simple. I am going to prove to myself I can do it, that I am worth it.  My goals for the next six weeks are to go through the motions of doing what I know I need to do. In doing all of these things, I will jump that hurdle in my mind.

Eating Goals:
  • fruits and veggies. No limit. I must eat at least 8 servings a day.
  • water. I got away from drinking it. I must drink at least 8 glasses a day.
  • snacks. If I must, they should be fruits or veggies only.
  • no more eating and watching TV at night. TV is off while we have dinner.

Fitness Goals:
  • Walks at work during lunch time.
  • Activity daily.  I grabbed a new app from my phone.  It has 18 days worth of "boot camp" workouts.  I'm going to do these as well as walking, bike riding and playground workouts. Rest days are important, but that doesn't mean I don't need to be active on those days.  Long slow walks are perfectly acceptable.

Life Goals:
  • Log food and movement in mini paper journal with times.
  • Journal.  I bought a paper journal this morning for this reason.  I need to write my feelings more.  I am seemingly afraid to put them out for others, I must, however, write them for myself.

Why eight weeks?  Well, the next NF challenge starts next week, but I started this yesterday.  That covers 7 weeks.  As there is generally a week between NF challenges, I plan on covering that as well. :)  My hope is that after eight weeks of going through the motions, I will see some real changes... not only in my body, but in my mind.

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