Aminals and Salt Water Drops

So!  Things are going well over in my little corner of the world.  I just finished day 5 of my boot camp.  On my off days, I've walked.  Yesterday I took an awesome walk along the Chicago River.  I've even taken some walks on my boot camp days.  I feel more energetic than I have in a long time.  Oh such a glorious feeling.  I love when I break a sweat and it rolls down my face into my eyes.  It lets me know I'm working hard.

Now, that being said, my eating has been wonky.  I've had days where I'm not hungry and days where I could eat and feel hungry 20 minutes later.  I've not noticed a pattern as of yet.  Basically what I'm doing is logging when I eat and what I eat.  I've not been counting the calories, just being accountable to myself to write it down.  I've been eating mostly healthy, so that's all good.  My weight has been somewhat the same for the past few days, but I'm not worried about it.  I'm very happy with my progress these past couple of weeks.

Journal-ling has been an exercise I should have done a while ago.  There are so many thoughts and feelings I had hidden away that I shouldn't have buried.  It has been so freeing to get them written down.  Some days I don't write more than what happened during the day, some days, I write a lot.  But every day, I write.  No matter how little or big, I write.  Some of the things I discovered: I really need to learn to love myself again.  I'm not perfect I shouldn't expect myself to be.  I've learned from my mistakes and also realized that things have happened for reasons, and because of those things, I continue to grow.

Every single day, after I write... I finish the day's entry with a one sentence, usually 3 word statement telling myself that I am awesome, or I will succeed.  Whatever floats my boat for the day.  Because the most important thing of all of this is I am doing it.  And by doing it, I will succeed.

I'm not perfect, but I am awesome!

My plan is working.

Ok, granted, I'm 3 days down... but I am finding that recording everything in my little notebook with the times I eat is easier than hunting and pecking them online into a calorie counting program.  I've also found... evenings are the worst for me.  I mean, I kinda knew, but, this is just confirming it.  Even though I think... Man, I gotta write down that I just ate that! I will sometimes eat it, sometimes, I won't.  Eating wise, I'm eating well.  Even though I've had a couple of things I wouldn't consider perfect (gummy bears last night, for example) I wrote it down.

I'm also toying with green smoothies in the morning.  I made one with kale, kiwi and oranges the other day that was delicious!

I've done a workout/movement/activity of some persuasion every day as well.

I'm really impressed with the boot camp app I got. It is 18 workouts... at 3 workouts a week.  I'm doing a beginner routine with body and exercise tubes.  The first workout was a test of sorts... Record how many of each you could do in 2 minutes... knee push-ups, sit-ups and squats.  I think I did fairly well.  I got 35 push-ups, 30 sit-ups and 42 squats.  Let me tell you, I am one sore girl today, but it's a great kind of sore.  The day 2 workout, which could be done the day after the evaluation, was a interval workout of marching in place, jogging in place, high knee jogging, a couple Pilates moves and side planks.  The workout was 25 minutes.  The best part?  There is video coaching by the lady who made the program and they tempo adjust your playlist to the exercise you're doing.  I loved that... when it was time to jog, my music sped up!

Since it's a 3x a week program, I'm going to continue with the cardio-type workouts on the off days... walking, xbox dancing games or bike rides.  Something that makes me break a sweat.  If I'm not sweating, I'm not doing it right. :)

And I know this is a lot of water weight etc, but I'm down 5.2 pounds thus far. But still, it's 5 pounds!

Also, writing in my journal has been very beneficial mentally.  I've written down the feelings and thoughts that have been swimming around in my mind.  Getting them out of my mind has been a wonderful blessing.  I can feel the weight coming off of my heart and soul.

Starting Over Again

312.8

I hoped I would never see those numbers again. Three years ago when I went below 300 for the first time since sometime during high school, I cried for joy. This morning, I cried tears of pain. 

I let the failure of my relationship recently break me.  It fed the devils in my head that tell me I am not worth it, that I am fat and I just have to learn to live with it.  The devils were kept at bay during the relationship because there was someone there, someone who told me that I was worth it.  Someone who believed in me.  When that was no longer there, when I stopped hearing those things, my mind took over. 

Rationally, I knew none of this was real, I was dreaming up things that weren't there. Thinking thoughts I knew I shouldn't be thinking.  I ignored myself.  I fed my feelings.  I let the autoimmune disease I was diagnosed with and the steroids I had to take be the excuse.  But that's all they were, an excuse.

So now, I need to answer these questions: What am I doing to myself? Why am I doing it?

I truly do not know the full answers to the questions. I know I have given up on myself and I know that it needs to stop. I cannot continue going on this spiral slope. It needs to stop now.

I have the tools, I have the knowledge. Today is the time to kick it into gear. To begin again.

The biggest step to this begin again is not eat right. It is not to workout. Yes those are important steps, but they are not the biggest. The biggest step is the hurdle that is living inside my head. The one that says I need a reason, I need to find my motivation, and asking where I can look. No more. Because that reason, that motivation, that where I'm supposed to look, is all inside of me. It is me. I can't pull my reasons for being healthy from others anymore. I can't look for my motivation from everywhere else, thinking I'm not enough. When in reality, I should be enough. I should be the reason. I am worth spending the time and energy on myself.

I watch Biggest Loser. I don't watch it for the quick weight loss solution. I don't watch it for workout suggestions. I watch it for the mental struggles the contestants battle with themselves. Because, I see myself in so many of them. I cry with them as they figure things out. I then cry more, because I haven't been able to do that yet. I know the steps, but I can't jump the hurdle.

I had pondered joining into my office's Biggest Loser competition, but then I realized, I would be looking elsewhere for that motivation when in reality, I need it to come from me.  So I chose not to join.

My plan for the next eight weeks is simple. I am going to prove to myself I can do it, that I am worth it.  My goals for the next six weeks are to go through the motions of doing what I know I need to do. In doing all of these things, I will jump that hurdle in my mind.

Eating Goals:

• fruits and veggies. No limit. I must eat at least 8 servings a day.

• water. I got away from drinking it. I must drink at least 8 glasses a day.

• snacks. If I must, they should be fruits or veggies only.

• no more eating and watching TV at night. TV is off while we have dinner.

Fitness Goals:

• Walks at work during lunch time.

• Activity daily.  I grabbed a new app from my phone.  It has 18 days worth of "boot camp" workouts.  I'm going to do these as well as walking, bike riding and playground workouts. Rest days are important, but that doesn't mean I don't need to be active on those days.  Long slow walks are perfectly acceptable.

Life Goals:

• Log food and movement in mini paper journal with times.

• Journal.  I bought a paper journal this morning for this reason.  I need to write my feelings more.  I am seemingly afraid to put them out for others, I must, however, write them for myself.

Why eight weeks?  Well, the next NF challenge starts next week, but I started this yesterday.  That covers 7 weeks.  As there is generally a week between NF challenges, I plan on covering that as well. :)  My hope is that after eight weeks of going through the motions, I will see some real changes... not only in my body, but in my mind.